I bought a girdle for Suze Orman…

A friend of mine who lives in Greece but has a business in the Bay Area (Hillgirlz.com) sent me an email.

Lydia,
Suze Orman will be at Orson tonight!
This is your chance to have a word with her to set up an interview!
4th Street … just around the corner from Bryant Street ….

She knew that I’ve been looking for a way to get Suze on the Women Building Wealth interview series. So she sent me on a last minute adventure to go to an event in San Francisco and connect with Suze Orman. I mean come on…women building wealth…who better to talk to and interview than Suze herself.

So…What to wear? I had to stand out in a room full of GLAAD supporters so I chose to wear my red dress and black peep toe heels. I was fresh from my appointment with my hair dresser, Dale at La Tour , and thought since I hadn’t been to the gym in at least a good solid month (okay two) I might need to venture out and get a pair of these Spanx that I’ve been hearing about. So I venture off to the City because the only place you can find the damn things is Nordstrom’s or Bloomingdales.

Time is short today so I haul ass and get to Union Square cut through Macy’s on my way to Nordies. Once there I have no idea where to look. Is it in the sports, hosiery or underwear section? I get to the top floor, it’s with the bra and undies, when I am approached by a sales woman.

“Can I help you?

“Yes, do you carry Spanx?”

“Yes, we do.” she says and then I get a lesson on what size I should choose and how to put the thing on. I got a large off the rack and she says “Oh, no. You have to get a size smaller so it really smoothes and sucks you in. So I grab a medium and say “Are you sure?” “Yep, trust me I went to my sister’s wedding and I didn’t get the smaller size and it kept drooping down on me the whole time.” “Alllllllllllllright,” I say and grab the tiny little scrunched up thing that looks like a nude biking pant with its crotch missing.

I get to the dressing room and she says, “Remember just tug and pull until you are completely encased in it.”

I do as I was told. Look in the mirror and am horrified. I look like one of those bank robbers with the stocking over his face but only it’s my ass and stomach that are squished inside this stocking-sausage-packing-girdle thing. How embarrassing! So I bought it. All in the name of looking good in the damn red dress to meet Suze.

I call my girlfriends and not a one of them is available…except Loren! Loren is great and the perfect wingman. She knows I am crazed about real estate and that I am on a mission to get Suze Orman on my interview series. We go to Orson’s in the City, we mix and mingle, have a few cocktails. My feet are hurting after an hour and I am packed in tight like a sausage. Kind of reminds me of that movie with Keenan Wayans I’m Gonna Get You Sucka where he ends up with Anne-Marie Johnson who plays Cherry. She is beautiful and lovely and he takes her back to his room but she is the facade of beauty as she takes off her wig, her fake nails, her girdle, her fake leg and hobbles across the room. Well I kind of felt like that. Packed into this sausage like girdle thing called Spanx just to smooth my ass and belly so it’s a seamless line in this knocked out red dress?!?

Needless to say when I was able to get through the crowded room and speak with the Director of the SF Chapter of GLAAD I asked him, “So what’s the story with Suze?” He says, “What do you mean what’s the story with Suze?” I said, “Well is she coming tonight or what” He says, “OH Nooooooooooooo she’s not coming to this low budget event but she’ll be at the GLAAD Media Awards along with other big name people.”

Packed in like a sausage we head for the bar for our last drink and to think, I got a girdle for Suze!!
It’s tucked in the corner of my dresser drawer. Real Estate is so much easier than trying to get into that thing.

I won’t even tell you how difficult it was getting it off. I’ll stick to single family homes, condos, commercial and investing and leave the Spanx and girdles for the professional girls.